Summer had just ended, and it was time to bring out my winter clothes. I had so much work to do – sorting out what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to donate, clearing the layers of accumulated dust, organizing the closets. I started by grabbing some coats, one of which I used to wear to school. I tried it on, giggling on the inside, when a rush of memories hit me: Friday afternoons, hanging out with my friends after school, gossiping about the teachers and planning for the summer. I slipped my hand into the pocket and felt something; I took it out and unfolded it – a letter. It read “I Love You” with small hearts drawn all around. Who wrote this? I wondered to myself, then flipped the paper, looking for a clue, when I saw the name written at the back: George.
George was one of my closest friends in school. I always suspected he had feelings for me, though I never asked. At recess, he would sometimes bring me some snacks and help me with assignments after we’d finish eating. George cared about me so much. Even today, he’s still one of my closest friends. We’ve gone through a lot together – friendship heartbreaks, joys and everything in between. I had promised to call him sometime this afternoon, so I picked up the phone and hit the dial on his number.
“Hey.”
“Hey, Jess. How’s the cleaning going?” he laughed.
”Well, I’ve just started; there’s still so much to do.”
“I’m here at the cafe right next to my house. Come over when you’re done.”
“I can’t today, super busy…” I paused. “By the way, I found your letter in one of my coats.”
”What letter?”
”Wait, I’ll send it to you.”
I put the letter on the desk where I usually work, snapped a picture of it, and sent it to him in a text.
”Oh, that one! I remember it. I was a kid, happy old days. What else did you find?”
”Look, I know you’ll laugh at me, but…. I have always wondered whether or not you actually liked me.”
”I told you, I was a kid. I’ve probably passed these out to tons of girls at school.”
”Were you in love with all of them?”
”I’m a gentleman, what can I say?” he joked.
”Really, George, I want to know.” Agitation crept up on me, and so I stepped outside on the balcony, pacing, to ease my mind.
”We’re talking fifteen years ago, it doesn’t matter now.”
”Well, it matters to me. I want to know if you’ve ever had feelings for me. Tell me the truth.”
”Jessica, we’re best friends, what are you talking about? Forget it!” His voice was now louder.
”Why are you scared of telling me your true feelings?”
”I’m not scared, Jessica. I mean, we shared a lot of memories together, and now I’m in a happy relationship with someone else. I’ve moved on. Why are you insisting on this?”
The conversation fell silent only for seconds.
”Because…. Because, I’ve had feelings for you since-“
”Since when?” he interrupted me.
”Since school… and, well, I don’t think I ever stopped loving you after that…”
I took out a plastic chair next to the balcony door and sat down. I really couldn’t move my legs anymore.
“Since school? And you’ve never said a word about it?”
“George, I was too afraid to tell you my feelings.”
”You were just saying I’m the one who’s scared, right?”
“And, what about you?”
He took a deep breath before answering.
“You’re my first love. Is this what you wanted to hear? I’ve been waiting for this moment to come, for you to tell me you love me too, but I never expected it’d be this late…”
Another silence followed. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes but I tried to ignore them.
”Well, um, I guess there’s no point in continuing this conversation, is there? We’ve wasted years being just friends, but you’re with Anna now, and she’s perfect for you. At least, I have your answer. Um, I’ve gotta go, speak later.”
”Wait, don’t go!” He called out.
”What?”
“I was going to invite you tomorrow to a small celebration – a surprise, if one might call it that.”
”George, I don’t know if this conversation might change anything between us, and I hope it doesn’t, so-”
“I’m planning on proposing to Anna, and I want you to be there.”
My eyes widened in surprise; I wasn’t expecting this, especially after the conversation we just had. I could feel the tears make their way down my cheeks now.
”Oh, that’s…. great. I’m happy for both of you.”
I couldn’t tell if my voice trembled when I spoke, but I tried to contain my feelings.
”I don’t want anything to change between us either. You’re my best friend, Jessica, no matter what. I really want you to celebrate with me.”
”Um, I don’t know if I can make it tomorrow. I still have some work to do, as you know, ha…ha,” I laughed awkwardly. “Anyway, I… I’ll let you know if I’m coming. Oh, and, congratulations…. Goodbye.”
Without waiting for George’s reply, I hung up the phone. He called me back several times, but I had placed my phone on silent mode, wanting to be left alone. I didn’t want to hear his voice, nor did I want to know what else he had to say.
That conversation kept me weeping for a while, first on the balcony, on the white plastic chair, and then crawled up in bed, hugging my favorite flower-shaped pillow. When I managed to climb out of bed, I picked up the letter, crumpled it and threw it out my bedroom window. It doesn’t matter anymore. I should get back to working on clearing my closet.
I just hope I don’t find any other old letters. I’m emotionally exhausted.
