I woke up to the sound of my window glass rattling.
Not shaking, not the kind of sound you can flip to the other side and ignore.
I opened my eyes and stayed there for a second, looking at the ceiling as if it might have anything new to offer. Then I reached for my phone.
“This is the loudest one yet!”
“OMG GUYS DID YOU HEAR?”
“Where is Adnan??? @adnan”
I typed in something quickly.
“I’m okay, didn’t hear anything though!”
I did hear it.
The family group chat has been alive these days. Everyone is suddenly available and attentive.
My aunt sends voice notes like she’s reporting live.
My cousin turns everything into a joke.
My dad repeats questions like answers might expire if he waits too long.
And my name keeps appearing in between.
Boom.
I sat up. This one stayed in my chest a little longer.
It was already 8. Work.
I should have been up already.
I moved through the apartment, and opened the window. I looked around and felt it immediately.
I can’t stay here today.
I made my bed, kept my sweatpants on, put on my green and white hoodie with my red puffy jacket. Passed by the bathroom then grabbed my bag, my keys, wallet and phone, and took the stairs. At this point, my coworkers might as well come into my house and yell that I’m late.
I pushed the building door open as someone called out, “Hey, how is your father these days?”
I couldn’t stop.
“He says hello!” I yelled back without even looking.
Outside, the street was pretending well. Cars moving like they trust the road, a man dragging plastic chairs out of a café, someone shouting across the street like it’s any other morning.
I stood at the entrance of the café for a second longer than necessary, slightly breathless.
Too close to the door?
No, I don’t want that.
Too deep inside?
What if-
I stopped myself.
I picked a table somewhere in the middle. A chair facing the room, not the wall. I adjusted it slightly. Then again. Sat down. Stood up. Sat again.
Good enough.
The barista looked at me.
“Same order?”
I nodded.
He didn’t smile. I didn’t either, like we both understood the limits of what a morning can hold.
I took my laptop out, placed it on the table, adjusted it twice before opening it. The screen lit up with things that belonged to a calmer version of me.
Emails.
“Gentle reminder.”
“Just following up…”
“URGENT”
I opened the urgent one.
It wasn’t urgent, believe me.
Boom.
No one flinched.
A spoon hit a cup somewhere behind me. Someone asked for extra sugar. The machine hissed like it always does.
I looked up.
The barista was holding his phone this time. Maybe he has his own family group. Maybe he’s the one checking up on his own “Adnan.”
Then he placed his phone down, wiped the counter, adjusted the cups, and called out an order.
I went back to my screen.
Typed something: Deleted it.
Replied to one email with “noted.”
Started another with “Hope you’re doing well,” and stopped there.
Boom.
Closer.
The guy next to me shifted in his seat, crossed his legs, uncrossed them, then leaned forward toward his screen like he was catching up with something urgent
I noticed my shoulders were tight. I dropped them slowly.
Back to emails. Back to tasks. Back to the small things that still ask to be done.
I looked at the clock and was surprised that four hours had already passed.
I opened a document, stared at the blinking cursor
“Adnan! Send this footage to Sandra, put the logo before.”
“On it!” I replied, before even thinking.
A chair scraped behind me and my shoulders tightened before I could stop them.
I exhaled slowly.
Outside, a car passed by too fast, too loud. Someone laughed outside. A car honked right after.
I looked at the door, then back inside, then at my coffee.
Boom.
My phone buzzed again.
I flipped it over.
My name.
“I am fine, not hearing anything, busy working… too much work!!!” I typed quickly, then placed the phone face down again.
I rested my hand over it and looked around.
Everything was still in place.
The barista moving, the emails waiting, the chairs filled.
Everything exactly where it should be.
If everything looks this normal, then maybe this is what normal looks like now.
